Best Local Limerick Awards 2007 - Short-List
Note: The winners have now been announced!.
Click here to see the winning limericks.
This is the short-list of the entries we judged to have been the best. Thanks again to everyone who took part. We hope you enjoyed writing your limericks as much as we've enjoyed reading them.
Ash
There was a young lady from Ash
Who was always a bit short of cash.
So she threw in her job
And she married a nob
And she found herself rich in a flash.
Penelope Fleming-Fido, Boughton-under-Blean, Faversham, Kent
Bath
There once was a woman from Bath
Who got fined a grand and a half
For throwing her fridge
Off of Pulteney Bridge
For a drunken Friday-night laugh.
by Alex Ross, Oldfield Park, Bath
Blackpool
There was a young man from Blackpool,
Who wouldn't drink booze as a rule,
For he once had a beer,
And fell off the pier,
Which made him feel somewhat a fool.
by Jenny Catton, Harrogate, North Yorkshire
Blackpool
On a six mile long stretch of gold sand,
with a bucket and spade in his hand,
we've been askin' the lad
where he buried Grandad
"Here in Blackpool," he says, "in't it grand!"
by AV Robinson, Thornton, Lancashire
Bude
A Limerick author from Bude
Was too shy to write something rude.
So he went to a shrink,
And what do you think?
He writes them all day in the nude.
by Don Nixon, Albrighton, Shropshire
Chester
There are stickers on Chester Zoo cars
to keep children away from the bars -
'Our lions each day
love to work, rest and play,
and your kids make a change from a Mars..!'
by Charles Broadhurst, Billericay, Essex
Chippenham
There once was a wizard called Sam
Who lived down in Chipp-en-ham
He had sparkly toes
And a wiggly nose
And liked to eat spiders and jam
by Sally Bird, Chippenham, Wiltshire
Chipping
There was a young lady from Chipping
Who thought her idea simply ripping.
She said to her chums
(Who all had big bums)
"Why don't we all go skinny dipping?"
by Mary Hodges, Scorton, Lancashire
Crewe
There was a young woman from Crewe
Known locally as Smelly Sue
Which wasn't her name
But it's much the same
As calling her Strong Pongy Lou.
by Olwyn Dean, Northwich, Cheshire
Cubeck
A farmer from rural Cubeck,
Fell in slurry right up to his neck.
So he wreaked of manure
And his friends became fewer
And all he could sigh was "By heck!"
by Lisa Speight, Pateley Bridge, North Yorkshire
Dalton
One musician from Dalton, Kirklees
Had extr'ordinary knobbly knees.
They were hired for percussion,
And caused much discussion,
And earned him a packet in fees!
by Lisa Speight, Pateley Bridge, North Yorkshire
Doffcocker
A lady from scenic Doffcocker
Sat sipping a rather large mocha
When a gaggle of geese
Snatched a fisherman's fleece
Which gave her a bit of a shocker.
by Claire Yates, Bolton
Dorking
There was a young barber from Dorking
Who found a claw-hammer whilst walking.
Though he found it but fair,
For cutting his hair,
For picking his nose it was corking.
by Dr Bob Turvey, Stoke Bishop, Bristol
Dover
There was a fast bowler from Dover
Who fancied himself as a rover.
When back at his flat,
He kept a straight bat
And bowled every maiden over.
by Don Nixon, Albrighton, Shropshire
Flagg
One poor hen-pecked husband from Flagg,
Whose wife would incessantly nag,
Bought without hesitation,
Some loft insulation
With the notion his ear-holes to lag!
by Lisa Speight, Pateley Bridge, North Yorkshire
Frankley
An actor from Frankley called Sam
Got a part in 'The King of Siam'
Though he didn't speak Thai
The Director said, "I
Frankly,dear, don't give a damn"
by Hilda Swanson, Rednal, Worcestershire
Glasgow
In Glasgow, try Haggis for tea,
With tatties and neeps, and you'll see
That if you are willing,
It's tasty and filling,
Washed down with a whisky or three.
by Jennie Tripp, Edinburgh
Harrow
There was a young lady from Harrow
whose legs did resemble a sparrow
she looked such a ninny
in her ultra-short mini
that her circle of friends was quite narrow
by Megan Howson, Alresford, Hampshire
Hetton-Le-Hole
A baker from Hetton-le-Hole,
One Spring had to go on the dole,
Because, don't you know,
A bad shortage of dough,
Had caused him to seek a new rôle.
by Dr Bob Turvey, Stoke Bishop, Bristol
Houghton-Le-Spring
In a hole west of Houghton-le-Spring
They've discovered the weirdest old thing.
If you come for a look
As it's shy, take a book
And make sure that your mobile don't ring.
by Doug Harris, Stockton-on-Tees, Cleveland
Kingston upon Hull
A nerdy young fellow from Hull
Was thought by the girls to be dull.
So he had a tattoo
And Beckham hairdo,
Now he`s out every night on the pull.
by Don Nixon, Albrighton, Shropshire
Lickey
There was a young man from the Lickey
who came to an end quite sticky.
He upset some blokes
Who didn't laugh at his jokes
They thought he was taking the Mickey.
by Hilda Swanson, Rednal, Worcestershire
London
A posh London chef won a prize
At Christmas for gourmet mince pies.
When praised by Nigella
As her kind of fella,
His pastry then started to rise.
by Don Nixon, Albrighton, Shropshire
Louth
There was a loud woman from Louth
Who had trouble shutting her mouth.
Oh, how she nattered
And gossiped and chattered
So her long suffering husband moved South.
by Rosie Peters, Loughborough, Leicestershire
Markland Hill
A man walking up Markland Hill
Gave the neighbours a bit of a thrill
His ferret had chewed
Through his trousers- how rude!
So his assets were catching a chill.
by Claire Yates, Bolton
Milton Keynes
A boxer from hip Milton Keynes
Took titles galore in his teens
He fought by the book
And his deadly left hook
Made him rich with unlimited means
by Jo Sparkes, Mattishall, Norfolk
Neath
A hefty young laddie from Neath
Had a caber that beggared belief
And each time he tossed it
The audience lost it
And chased him all over the heath
by Clare Naylor, West Kirby, Merseyside
Newcastle upon Tyne
There was a young man from Newcastle
Who fractured his 5th metatarsal.
To the fans' great frustration
They now face relegation ...
Just as well that his home is a castle!
by Doug Harris, Stockton-on-Tees, Cleveland
Northwich
There was a young lady from Witton
Whose shoes would never fit on
She tried ever so hard
Even soaked them in lard
Finally squeezing them a tiny bit on
by Olwyn Dean, Northwich, Cheshire
Penzance
There was a young man from Penzance,
Who had a strange itch in his pants,
when asked if it could be,
the work of a flea,
he replied,no a family of ants.
by Gill Dawson
Poole
There was a professor from Poole
Who wanted to look very cool.
He donned a bright shirt
And started to flirt
But ended up feeling a fool
by Rosie Peters, Loughborough, Leicestershire
Poole
There was a young lady from Poole,
Who thought she was terribly cool.
One day for a dare,
She shaved off her hair;
Now people just think her a fool.
by Elizabeth Knott, Poole, Dorset
Quorn
A gin loving woman from Quorn
Who normally dressed just in fawn
One day for a dare
She said 'I'll go bare,'
Then danced nude with her gin on the lawn.
by Rosie Peters, Loughborough, Leicestershire
Quorn
There was a young man from Quorn
Whose voice boomed like a foghorn.
This made people quake
And shiver and shake
So they filled his mouth up with popcorn
by Rosie Peters, Loughborough, Leicestershire
Rudheath
There was an old man from Rudheath
Who had trouble with a set of false teeth
They weren't his own
He had them on loan
From the chap he lived underneath
by Olwyn Dean, Northwich, Cheshire
Sandy
There was an old man from Sandy
whose legs were incredibly bandy
He looked like a frog
when he ran, walked or jogged
but on a bike they were really quite handy
by Barbara Coulson, Wootton, Bedfordshire
Seaford
Her nose stood out like a rock.
When she sneezed it sprayed all round the block.
In the cold it turned red
And lit up Seaford Head,
Brighton beach and the Portsmouth dry dock.
by Sharon Sibley, Ruislip, Middlesex
Settle
A pop-crazy drummer from Settle
Was eager to play heavy metal.
The line-up he planned
Was his own one-man band:
Two pokers, a pan and a kettle.
by Joan Butler, Austwick, North Yorkshire
Slough
A precocious young daughter from Slough
would harass her mum as to how
it should be called Sluff;
yelled her mum, "That's enough!"
smiled the brat, "Don't you mean 'That's enow!??"
by Charles Broadhurst, Billericay, Essex
Spalding
There was an old woman from Spalding,
Who noticed her husband was balding.
To shock hair into life,
The aforementioned wife
Poured stuff on his head that was scalding.
by Dr Bob Turvey, Stoke Bishop, Bristol
Stockton-on-Tees
John Walker once lived on our patch
To Stockton, some fame did attach.
Though great wealth, it was fiction,
He made nothing from friction,
But his clever idea's hard to match.
by Doug Harris, Stockton-on-Tees, Cleveland
Stow-on-the-Wold
A man from near Stow-on-the-Wold,
Complained that he often felt cold.
Said his wife, "It's your hair --
There's none of it there,
And the fact that you're ninety years old."
by Dr Bob Turvey, Stoke Bishop, Bristol
Swansea
Dylan Thomas called Swansea a tip,
Which made several Welsh people flip.
Now fifty years later,
His image is greater,
Since he can't give us any more lip.
by Terence Hyde, Llanrhidian,
Torquay
There was an old salt from Torquay
Who got himself lost whilst at sea
Out went the lifeboat
To keep him afloat
And get him home safely for tea.
by Ann Smith, Lowdham, Nottinghamshire
Wells
A culinary writer from Wells
Was feted by literary swells.
When he won the Booker,
He bought a new cooker
That blew up and singed his quenelles.
by Don Nixon, Albrighton, Shropshire
Westbury on Trym
In the suburb of Westbury on Trym
Stands a house that was built on a whim
With no windows or doors;
No ceiling or floors.
It's quite useless cos there's no way in.
by Alison Powell, Bristol,
Windermere
When the Windermere weather gets hotter,
Peter Rabbit behaves like a rotter.
Wherever he goes,
He chases the does,
Which really annoys Beatrix Potter.
by Don Nixon, Albrighton, Shropshire
Yarm
There once was a fellow from Yarm, he
Took up (for some sport), origami.
But his wife simply scolded
(His marriage then folded) -
I don't blame him, he's left for the army!
by Doug Harris, Stockton-on-Tees, Cleveland
York
There was a young Maiden from York,
Who thought she could sing just like Bjork.
She sang with a harp
But went terribly sharp
So they bunged up her throat with a cork.
by Don Nixon, Albrighton, Shropshire
